My Unexpected Top Chef Heartthrob

During the first few episodes of Top Chef Season 6 I developed a crush on the two brothers, Michael and Bryan. Like West Coast and East Coast rap, they have differences, but also strong similarities. Their food looked equally enticing so to choose who would be my lone Top Chef heartthrob I needed more information.

Almost as if reading my mind, Bravo TV posted a feature this week entitled, “Date a Top Chef!” in which each cheftestant answers personal questions to help fans determine if they are “really compatible with these culinary cuties.” The responses to these queries left me searching for new knees for my bees. Bryan, who I no longer have a crush on, shared that his catchphrase is, “Nuh uh, Fuck, I know. I won't do it again. (insert name) NOW!” Apparently Voltaggio the Elder did not go to the Joey Lawrence school of catch phrases. Bryan, they’re supposed to be short, punchy and memorable. Like Kevin’s, except I don’t believe that he actually coined “Six of one, half dozen of another.”

Ash’s and Laurine’s are a little more original. Let’s start with Ash, who apparently is known to say “I’m a culinary gangster.” Don't let the bowtie or the gayness fool you, one of the knives in his knife bag is a shank. And Laurine, whose listed nicknames include both “sunshine” and “bitch on wheels,” likes to punctuate sentences with: "stupid f---ing bitches who shouldn't have jobs." I am intrigued by Laurine’s multiple personalities and Tourret's like tagline but I’d never get past a first date with her. I guess she and I will just have to agree to disagree that onion tarts and sardines are great ideas for a “romantic night out.”

Speaking of “romantic nights out,” brother Michael thinks the best romantic night out is “Trader Joe's pizza dough and toppings. Make a pizza together at home.” Let’s put aside that his most romantic night out is actually a night in, for someone who spends much of his airtime on throw-away references to his Michelin star, I must say I would be pretty disappointed with store bought pizza dough and some chopped up veggies.

So who’s left for me to Top Chef pine for? The Jersey-bred Italian Scallion Mike Isabella? “This is Why I'm Hot” by Mims is on his playlist. Why? “Because I'm hot.” Obviously. Jen is notably missing from Date A Top Chef! but in her bio she shares that her "favorite simple summer recipe" is “Compressed Watermelon, Chesapeake Bay Jumbo Lump Crab, Fennel Pollen and Wild Boar Prosciutto Chips.” I know, in the summer when I want to keep it light and simple I always debate between a tomato salad and compressing something, making a crab cake and figuring out how to also incorporate fennel pollen and wild boar prosciutto chips. Jen is too high maintenance for me.

Eli is in the remaining 10 but his 'slight lactose intolerance' would be incompatible with my fondness for cheese and ice cream. And Robin has immunity this week, so I’ll leave her be to deconstruct one of my favorite soups into a convoluted mess. So who does that leave? Is there no Top Chef match made in heaven for me? Au contraire, making my heart pound and my mouth water, Ashley had me at, “Foie gras torchon, scallops, and a bone-in ribeye for two, with an outstanding bottle of red wine.” Ashley, you can be my Top Chef anytime.